I have a confession: I am full of regret. I was scared. I am guilty. I am lonely.
Hi. How have you been? I hope that you are doing well. Well, I can see that you are. And that is good. Very good. I am writing this to you to finally make you understand my seemingly unreasonable actions from long ago.
Let us start from the very beginning.
When I went into college, I never thought anyone would take an interest in me. I was unlike all the normal girls. I was a clown. I was a ‘bitch’. I was everything that a guy would not take even a second glance of, but then you did and I don’t really know why. You said that it was my ability to take control. My unrelenting authority and my compassion. Authority is easy to see in me for I tend to show such quality at school. You must know that I love order, it makes me feel safe. But compassion? No. I never let people see that I have such a cliche quality. I don’t let people see that I care, because if I do then they might take advantage of me. Want more from me. Hurt me. And this is all so dramatic, me thinking of pain just because I show compassion, but what you must know is that I do not see the present, I merely see the future. I keep telling myself: “To hell with the future and just live today.” But I can never do so.
Showing compassion. Displaying love. Love itself. I do them but I never let people know that I do. I feel love but I never let people know that I do. And that is why when I love someone, I push them away. It’s all very strange for me to do so but you see, it’s like a test. If that someone loves me back, they will stay. And when they do, I can never let them go, because if I do it will hurt and I don’t want to be hurt. My family. My chosen friends. They all stayed. I tried to push them away, but they’re stubborn and they understood. They understood that I’m just trying to protect myself. So they waited, they stayed.
Yet familial love and friendly love are not the same with the romantic one. It’s all very complicated, I realized that now. It takes more for a person to stay. What? I do not know.
You and I had a ‘thing’. And it was a great one. You showed me that you cared. You showed me that I was extraordinary. You made me feel appreciated. You made me feel special, but all along our conversations and time together, I acted rather casual. As if I didn’t like you back. Because, you see, you were just wonderful. You loved your family as much as I do with mine. You had an unrelenting faith in religion, completely the opposite of my fading one. You had a seemingly eternal patience, always smiling and never failing. And you cared too much, too much that my heart couldn’t stop pounding when you look at me and just talk. During our conversations online, you never knew the way I always smiled. But all of this, you never knew. And you will never know, because that is who I am.
I will never let someone know that I did care unless they stayed. You didn’t stay. You didn’t push. You simply asked and, when I told you my reasons, quietly left and was never the same again… to me.
Maybe you did not understand. Maybe it was not clear. I did not tell you to stop our ‘thing’ because I wanted to but because I had to. People from your service told me to stay away from you. I did not want to, I assure you. I told them that I was not trying to be a bad influence but a good one. I told them that I’d help them help you shape your life to what you want it to be, but it was not what they want, I realized. They already had plans for you, and if you liked the plan or not I never knew. I have great respect for the old and their advises, so I relented. Words are very sacred to me. Words convey millions of emotions put together in even a single paragraph, sentence… word. And their words hit me, hard. My anxiety got the best of me. My inability to not think of the future and just live the present took over my whole being. Suddenly, I thought of their words and how it can all be true.
What if I really was a bad influence to you? What if I was trying to tear you from your bright future? What if I was pulling you away from your family? What if… what if?
Those questions ruined me. Those questions whose answers, with my negative mind, were positive. That yes, I was a bad influence. Yes, I was tearing you away from your bright future. Yes, I was pulling you away from your family. Yes, I had to be far away from you! Far, far away.
I tried to cut communication with you, but I could never resist answering you. Every time you tried all I said was, “You really do not know?” And I thought you knew what they were doing. I thought you consented to their seemingly ‘unhurtful’ conversations with me. I really thought you knew. But you didn’t and you were so innocent of whatever the hell was going on and I took pity on you. Maybe I didn’t tell you the whole reason. Maybe I wasn’t very clear. But I tried to tell you. When I said I took pity on you, it was not for not knowing the reason why I was trying to push you away (greater now was the need because of the circumstances). Instead, I took pity on you because you were unaware of the manipulation that your service was doing. I took pity on you because the service that you loved so much was doing things behind your back. And maybe that was the greatest reason why I was not clear. Maybe that was the biggest reason that I did not tell you the whole truth. Because you loved your service, and I couldn’t take that away from you. When you love something and it betrays you, trust me it will hurt like absolute hell. And I couldn’t let that happen to you. I didn’t want you hurt.
I held on to the thought that what you felt for me may have simply been fascination… infatuation. And that you would move on easily. That you would not feel pain as much as I did. That you would not be hurt as much as I did.
When I love, I love. And that’s that. No matter how short the time we spent together. No matter how shallow your feelings were towards me. No matter. Because when I love, I love with all of my heart. But those who will not stay will never know. Not you. Never you.
The next time I saw you, I almost cried. You looked straight through me as if I was never there. I was smiling amidst the turmoil inside my heart. I acted casual. Like nothing ever happened. But when you were finally not in view, I almost fell apart. I hurried myself to a very dear friend and held on, blinking the tears away. I almost cried. I almost fell apart. But you will never know. Never.
It hurt. But, my dearest, you will never know. Never.
But I regret not ever telling you. I regret not ever telling you that I was scared of hurting you. I regret not ever telling you that I wanted you to hold on, to fight. I regret not ever telling you that I liked you back.
After all this time, I still feel guilty. As if it was all my fault. And maybe it was. My inability to use my words the way I should have. Inside, I wanted to burst with all the feelings… all the words. Yet outside I was mute. Oh I was mute.
But finally, now, I am able to express all that I had felt and all that had happened. I know that it is too late, that you have moved on, as I have predicted, quite easily. I simply wanted to take all of this from my chest and somehow, amidst all my words of you never knowing, let you know.
If you ever read this, know that it was not for the purpose of confusing you but quite the opposite. I wanted to clear things up, that is all. I know that you are living quite a life and I am trying to live mine as good as I can. I told you that life is an eternal war and I wish to never be part of it, but all wars can be made peace with. I have no desire to run away from life anymore. I also do not plan on facing it, for life is not something to go against, it’s to go with. I intend to go with life and that is why I have done this. It is to bid adieu to what was almost but can never be.
I started this with bitterness but I am ending it with growing sweetness.
Thank you for sharing a small part of your life with me. I hope now that you are with better people who supports you with what you want. It’s time for me to move on entirely. I did move on, yes, but part of me wanted closure. This is the only closure that I can ever get and, by Dad Almighty, I pray it works.
I do hope that when I see you again, I will not feel such constricting pain but a relieved gladness of seeing an old friend.
Have a wonderful life, dearest. Goodbye.