If you are reading this, then you must be patient. Please do not be angered, for this is not a hate post, but a lesson that should be known. I must have you know that I don’t like posting personal crap, but let this be an exception.
The thing is: I don’t forget easy. Especially crap that are life changing.
If you were pissed, there was no need to go any further than citing your disappointments to me, because if you go any further with your words, you don’t know the consequences. You do not know if I was going through some rough crap that if I was pushed just a bit more, I’ll fall. To be honest, just last week, my mind was filled with suicidal thoughts. I was too stressed. I was too traumatized. I didn’t know what I was doing with my life. For the first time, I thought of crap that I didn’t even think of doing because years ago, it didn’t make any sense. But now it did. I wanted to see how my blood trickles and drops. I wanted to feel pain just so I could feel something else instead of confusion and fear of the unknown tomorrow. But I managed to contain myself. I skipped your class, if you were able to notice. I slept it all away. I even talked to my friends about it. I am conflicted whether to be glad or not because I realized I’m not the only one who feels the pressure of the crap around us. But I guess I should be. A friend told me that she was going through the same struggles as I. So I thought back then; if she can overcome this crap and wake up smiling, why can’t I? So I did the same.
But again, I was still at the tipping point of whatever crap this is.
Then this happened. I knew I was in the wrong. I knew I was wrong. You emphasized it quite clearly and I am not dumb for you to say it over and over and over and over again. I am not bragging when I say that I am one of your brightest students, but many would believe that I am. I do not understand most of your lessons like many but I try my hardest to do so because it is essential for my future and now especially my exams. You even called yourself ‘dumb’ because you assumed that that was what I thought of you. But I didn’t. You thought of that yourself. You were merely adding salt to your own wound and were blaming it to me – on me! I never thought of you that way. How could I? You’re brilliant. You’re a professional. You are someone that I aspire to become when I finally manage to attain my degree. How could I look up to someone who is dumb? You’re not dumb. And even here, I am defending you from you. I was merely scared at that time. I didn’t know if you would let me use my phone because the first time my phone rang, you saw it and you simply said that phones were not allowed. So I ended the call, trying to not mind the fact that the one who’s calling was the sister of my friend. She wouldn’t call me if there wasn’t something wrong. There’s a whole other story to that, but long story made short, she needed something, and it was important. I merely wanted to help her. But I see now that even in helping, there is consequence.
You flipped. That was the problem. You flipped because I broke a rule. I admit that I did. I thought of it as a warning, but you weren’t done yet. I continued answering, hoping that everything will be fine even until the moment I pass my paper. But like I said, you weren’t done yet. The thing is; you gave me hope. Hope that I could still patch things up with you and leave the room with confidence that I will pass. But you told me and a classmate of mine (who had also done something wrong) to get out. I nodded my head and started to pack my things. And I thought you were done, but STILL you weren’t.
Between a person’s tongue and his fist, what could possibly injure you more? Between a pen and a sword, what could possibly hurt more? Between words and punches, what is more painful?
Words are beautiful. Use it in the best way possible, and you can make anyone smile. But words, like any other creation in the world, has its downside. If used to hurt, it’s more painful than a fist, more painful than a bullet. Words can do crazy things to people who are barely holding on with whatever crap they’re holding to. And the biggest trick of all, you never know who those people are or will be.
Your words hit me, deep and dark and slow. Those were the very same words that triggered the suicidal crap that I barely managed to contain.
“Unsa di-ay akong gisaligan?”
What, indeed? What am I so confident of anyway? What I am holding on to? What is left to hold on to? It triggered more questions that you can’t even imagine. The whats. The whys. The hows. The what ifs. Especially the what ifs.
What if I fail?
What if this isn’t really for me?
What if my family knew about this?
And what if I just end it?
And the last ‘what if’ made me scared, confused, and thinking.
It was even more terrifying when the ‘what if’ became ‘why not’.
I was left to my own devices since I went straight home and my friends were not done answering yet. When I slammed my room, locked the door, turned the music to its full volume and left it near my window so my boardmates won’t hear me, I cried. I cried silently at first. I was like that for maybe an hour until I was thrashing the things in sight. I was kicking and punching and gripping anywhere. Just somewhere. Until I decided to lie down on the floor and just simply face the wall. But my body and mind had other crap planned. Eventually, my other hand gripped my wrist and pressed my pulse point. I’m no expert in the human anatomy, and I know that that’s not the most effective way to die. But I get the idea of blood loss, so… Why not? But as tight as how my hand gripped my wrist, I still had a strong grip on my sanity. I tried to call my friends. I was desperate for company, else I… I don’t even want to think crap about it. They didn’t answer at first. I was even more desperate, sobbing their names. But they finally responded. They went straight to my house and comforted me in the most awkward and fun way. I was thankful. I AM thankful. They didn’t know what I was thinking; all they know was that I was incredibly affected. If the state of my thoroughly disarrayed room was enough for them to know that I was hurt, then I guess its fine.
This post is not aimed to destroy you, anything or anyone. I just wanted you to know my thoughts and to learn to choose your words carefully because you never know who you’re throwing it to. I am unstable, I know that now. I wanted you all to know that too. I might appear strong, happy, fun, and amicable, but deep inside and behind closed doors, I am not any of those. I constantly need a companion to make me forget or to make be believe that I am not alone.
I am sorry. I apologize for breaking your rule. But the bottom line is, I did not break your rule with the intention of cheating. I did it because I was worried. Because I wanted to help. If this post will reach you (I am foolishly praying that it won’t), please understand that I am not doing this to make you feel emotions that include guilt, shame, or anger. I just wanted you to know that words are tricky and need to be chosen wisely. You never know how a person will take it. You never even know what will happen next. I am experienced enough to say that anger is the most dangerous emotion of all, because at the end of the day, you never even know what words you said, why you said those words, and how it’ll affect the person you said it to.
I forgive you. But I am sorry, because, unlike you, I will never forget. I can never forget. I will never be able to look at you the same way as before. They say that I should be the one who’ll adjust, but I’m too tired and broken to do so. Just give me some time to think about it. I will follow your advice and not get into your class until I manage to change my ‘angry’ expression (I really did put it into heart, what you said.). But you see, I was born with a RBF. I apologize for that.
To my friends, thank you for the comfort that you gave me in my time of need. But please let this be a lesson as well, I do not want to sound demanding, but please always answer when I call. You are one of the few people that I am holding on to. So please, pull me up when I am falling down. I promise to do the same. Cross my broken heart.
To my family, please do not worry. I will get over this in due time. We already have our own problems back home, and I do not want to add more. I have my friends with me who can understand. But please, do not add more pressure in me as I already have. I love you guys, but I am not the smartest in the family. Do not expect more from me than what I can offer. I promise you that I will do my best. I just need you to promise me to support me in every decision that I will decide and to direct me to the right path. Thank you.
To God, I am sorry. I really am. I have sinned through thoughts. The greatest sin of all. Taking the life that I merely borrowed from You. The life that You blessed me with. I will not make a promise to You, because breaking it will be another added sin. I merely want to assure You that I will do my best to contain myself from these sinful thoughts. Thank You for this life. It’s broken and barely holding on, but still good. Still good. I will take care of it to the outmost of my capabilities; all I ask is for You to never leave my side. Hours ago, I asked You, “What did I do wrong to deserve such confusion and fear and anger and sadness?” Your answer was subtle, almost unrecognizable but still there. This is a lesson for another time. Also, in order to balance once life, there should be equal amounts of sadness and happiness. I am looking forward to the equal amount of happiness that this will lead to. Forgive me and Thank You, Dearest Father.
And to you, dearest reader:
Thank you for your time. Thank you for your patience. I am hoping that you somehow learned a lesson or two. And sorry for the many words, the seemingly endless sentences, and the handful of paragraphs. I am hoping that it was worth your time.